4.20.25
think i have always known, that my upbringing wasn't ideal. I was born in Mississauga, Canada. Being a small suburb of Toronto, i didn't ever think anything was wrong with my childhood. My elementary school, St. Marks elementary. Being located in close proximity from my house. When i was about 5, and attending Junior Kindergarten. I started taking the bus to school, even though i could have walked really
Mississauga, is so safe. But, i think i really started to notice that my childhood wasn't the same as my peers was, when i was about 4 or 5. My Mother Kwee-Lin Cheong (Kok) would just have these panic attacks or my dad or sister would try to wake her up from a nap. And she would not wake up. And the next thing i knew, she would be wheeled out by the EMT's.
As i got older, this got more frequent. And i think, this is when i started to block out what was going on around me.
In my early, elementary school years. I had no self confidence, so often when i would have friends. They would be "taken" and the new girl wanted my best friend at the time. And i would end up alone, and it happened a lot.
In 7th grade, i started to be interested in boys. And, i would never have any nerve to talk to them. As they were too popular, to talk to or too good looking. All the while, my mom would always say " You only like boys, because you want to get married" At 12, i didn't think anything of it.
In 9th grade, i attended Loyola Secondary School. The high school in Mississauga, which was next to South Common Mall. And over the summer, i had developed quite a bit. I had a short bob cut, and guys started to notice. My best friend at the time, was Jade- Anne Domingo. We had met in 5th grade, and were super excited to go to high school with the same people we went to Elementary school with. 9th grade was great, normal stuff.
10th grade, Jade and i had spent that summer btw 9 and 10th grade. We went to the mall a lot, spent time at Jade's house with her family, went to Erin Mills Town Center and shopped, Went to see the Backstreet boys more times then i can count.
The last semester of 10th grade, a new girl named Lisa Kim arrived at Loyola. And all the girls in our grade flocked to her, the new shiny new penny. But, so did Jade.
And because at the time, i was pretty opinioned but with not having any real identity at the time. And being influenced by my mom at home. I tried my best to get my best friend back. Then in turn Lisa, turned all the girls in 10th grade against me. The end of the school year, my dad Michael. He had gotten an offer to work for a company in Riverside, California. Then right before, the move was suppose to happen. My father, my mother, my sister Nancy and I sat at our kitchen table. And reminisced about memories that we had, had in the house before we were about to pack it up. And leave my sister behind, as she was attending college in Kingston. At Queen's university. I felt at the time, that was the most honest all of us had been in the whole time we had been a family. We laughed, told stories......
June 1998, i arrived in Riverside, California as my dad had come to California a year before to setup and start working at FATA HUNTER, an renowned Italian company, here in Southern California. And i spent that summer, sleeping in the living room of my parents one bedroom apartment. I would write my cousin Katrina, making phone calls home. It was a good summer, my mom & I would go to Tyler Mall in Riverside everyday and watch the displays change.
4.22.25
Im trying my best to defrinciate, what was real in my head before trauma. And it's super hard, i knew i lived a life of fear, confusion, irritation & lies.
I never knew why, i let things happen to me. When in reality, they really didn't have to.
Every minute or moment. Every new friend, petting a new dog at a state fair. Just didn't feel right, or normal. And i just never knew why.
I think probably from age 5 or 6, i had feelings........ really deep feelings or loss and abandonment.
My cousin Melissa, who lived in Malaysia at the time. Had come to my parents in Misssissauga, Canada. We had a great time, she is my dad's older sisters daughter.
And when she left to go back to Malaysia, i remember feeling this feeling in my chest of loss, fear, sadness and i would cry for no reason.
My parents would see and hear me cry or not look right, but feeling programmed to not feel. I never said anything, and at 43 i remember that visit even now.
I did see Melissa again later in life at like, 2006 or 2007. When my mom had come down to Georgia to drive to North Carolina to see Melissa get married to her then fiance... Richard. I was told all this stuff from my mom " She's only marrying him to get a green card or citizenship" " He has a lot of money"
I was living IN Georgia for about 2-3 years at that time and trying to adjust to the Army life. I had no idea wtf i was doing honestly. I just knew at the time, i had a baby "neil" and a husband..... who wanted the best for his family. Wanted to adjust with me and for me to this new normal for us. But, now in 2025 , 21 years later.... I feel sad and knowing that Austin, who was an amazing human in his own right. With all this ambitions, dreams and ideas..... is now gone. I was his wife, and wont ever be again. Loss is HARD.
4.23.25
Id like to think, i had a good childhood. But i think from birth i have been chronically depressed.
My dad, grew up in Lembing, Malaysia... one of the oldest kids in his family of 9 kids.
He was sent away to school at age 8. Then he went to college in Auckland, NZ... graduated with honors.
My dad to me was always a very hard to read person.
But, he always meant well.
None of what he said or did made any sense to me.
Til about an hour ago.
" welllllllllllllllll, do good things Janice. *pause* stare down* drink of water.............. a nother long pause.
You know, when i was young things were different.
I have been all over the world, and one thing i do know is this.
" you work hard and play hard"
make friends, lose friends....
There really isn't a straight path or direction in this life.
Id like to think, i have been around my dad long enough to know now, at 74.
He is tired of traveling all over the world for a paycheck.
He is older, saggy, liver spotteed and just slow AF.
He wants to rest, look at birds, drink his sad ass tasters choice, my mom buys from costco in a giant asssssssssssssssss plastic jar.
They literally have been drinking the same coffee for like 70 years LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dads office in every house, the Mississauga house.
The Murrieta house.
Everything has it's place, it's holder.
So nice and neat, but soooooo freaking clean and anally, straight . there is literally a ruler next to everything.
He has this old assssssssssssss national geographic, poster with push pins in it.
Tools, batteries, coins, measuring tape, erasers, maps, lighters, playing cards lol
But, my dad is super knowledgeable.
But to me, he has and will always be my first love.
The man, who toook me to baseball games as a kid.
Taught me how to fly a kite and play baseball.
use a glove and drive manual.
Take us on midnight rides to St, Catherines to see the stars.
Be there to give me an unbiased literally, slap in the face.
" Things may happen, that you do not expect"
" wellllllllllllll, things don't happen over night, things take time"
Well dad, you are old now.
And you are not gone, but i have been thinking back.
And i have literally lost, so much time with you.
That i will never get back.
Age 5, i would hold my dad's red wind breaker... and cry my damn eyes out.
Thinking, ever work trip he would never come home.
Then he would, we moved to CA at 16.
He would always be working, and the frustration started.....
20, he literally stepped on my neck, dragged me up the stairs by my hair. slammed me on the floor. yelled in my face and told me i needed to die already.
He would give me 10k to jump off the top floor of their house.
Why?
Neil (Scarlett)
Austin, and I met when i was working at Mega Toms Burgers in Murrieta, CA.
Austin & his step-brother Jerod walked into the restaurant.
Austin asked me out, the rest is history.
New parents, knowing jack shit haha.
But excited and scared, to have this new little human we were responsible for.
Tristen
Austin and i were in Hartsville, TN
After a trip to the local Walmart, i went to the restroom
Came out all green and white
My sis-in way Winter said " You're pregnant!!!"
January 7, 2009 Austin and i found out, were about to be parents again.
Trauma
Trauma, itself. It can be different for everyone. But, i can only speak of how i went through it, saw it and got through it.
It all started, with a glass of water.
And COVID!
Zach, once told me he got a kidney stone.
So that's why, he drinks an excessive amount of water.
So, before i realized i even had covid.
It started with little sips, little glasses, sharing star bucks cups in the car.
Then, it was getting in the shower and trying to enjoy them.
Eating a carrot, a salad and taking my time with it.
It has been 6 weeks into my journey of healing from this trauma.
And i sit here at this moment and feel scared, confused, uncomfortable AF.
But, as one of my best guy friend Caleb Lopez told me, yesterday.
You can't live in the past Janice.
Does it help, you?
NO
So, here is how i deal with stress, anxiety and life itself.
Write it, down.
All of it, the small things the big things.
So , you know in your head and you can see on a white board.
" I did, this today"
And you can tick it off your list.
And you, can go to sleep any night,
Where your mind is racing.
And feel like, you accomplished something today.
Instead, of being in a tailspin or emotion.
Having a fit and spinning around in circles of what to do.
DOESN'T HELP YOU NOW!
What are your goals?
What do you, want?
Here is a list, a template of what i use and how you will get to where you want to be in this life.
You will get there, Janice.
I know you will!
Zachary James Keefer.
After, Austin died i moved into an apartment in the same town as my parents.
My dad, had tried to hit me and attack me over the fact.
That i had wanted to stay in the house, that was my family home with Austin.
But in fact, it was traumatizing me internally and externally.
Asians are not direct, they will say what they mean.
Without actually, saying it.
May 2022, i moved into the apartment.
And i tried to find, to find my way out of the mess that i was in.
Austin, had died the month before.
I was alone, without my kids.
The silence in that apartment, was deafening.
You will not match up, or have the same energy as everyone that you meet or are friends with.
People, can come and go situations change and things change from minute to minute.
And although you cannot always be ready for it.
February 8th, 2023
After, being on Tinder, hinge & coffee meets bagel.
A man, named Zachary Keefer, matched up with me.
Curious, i clicked and sent a message to him.
Later that night, he messaged me back.
And planned for him to come over and hang out.
Nothing, serious.
I didn't want a boyfriend.
I wasn't looking for something serious.
I just lost my husband, my kids were at my mothers house.
But what would i have to lose, but meeting this guy? really?
After a lot of scheduling issues, him getting lost, not having a signal.
He showed up at my door.
Super young, smug and conceded guy.
Super gorgeous, and my type.
One day, turned into 2 days.
2 days turned into a week.
After a week, Zach said " I need to go home, i have no clothes "
I don't have any of my shit babe.
After, 1 week i felt so comfortable with this man.
I barely knew, but i felt this warmth.
This connection, i had felt with Austin.
But, it was something new but familiar.
I felt comfortable, safe and just happy.
Eventually, he had to go back home to grab his things.
In hope, he would come back to me.
And, i would feel whole again.
Nothing, i had ever felt in my whole life.
Before he left, he held me and said " I think i am in love with you"
And i know you are scared & venerable.
But, i would love to marry you.
Someday.
Susan Chicano Gaul(Kastner)
I met Susan, at a weird meeting with Richard. I had been at Aolana's house in Yucaipa. So, i got the call from Richard. A guy i had been talking about on an app.
I get to Richard's and he texts me " go park, in front of the pharmacy.
After parking, i walk behind the pharmacy to his " apartment"
He was military, and i knew the type. Smug, asshole, thinks he is bigger then life. Taught in basic training to be all you can be, you are not, jack shit until i tell you, you are.
He lived like a pig.... clothes everywhere, dark , dingy .... not comfortable in any means to entertain anyone.
A, woman is sitting on the couch. We say " Hi" and just chill in silence in front of Richard's tiny TV.
As time goes on, in the awkward silence, Richard says to Susan, i can only imagine. " lets go hang out in my room" They head to his room, and i sit there alone. In his living room. As i hear noises, talking and then moaning... Richard tells me to come to the room . I walk in , it's dark... and i just sit there in silence and oh so uncomfortable. Watching them do, and say nasty shit lmao.
Things happened, and Richard goes to sleep.
As, Susan and i were leaving and walking to our cars.
We come to find out, that he told us both to park in front of the Pharmacy.
What a fucking douche, man.
As, we are speaking...... we find out, we are both Asian.
She was married, now living alone in Glendale. With her girls, she had, had from a former marriage.
To me, she was all i wanted to be. Living with my kids, in my own place.
She was a paralegal, had a boyfriend who transitioned into a woman.
Finally, while still being friend's with Aolana.... i got Susan's number.
Bailey
Bailey Amey, came into my life.
After we matched on Hinge.
Again, i have a type haha.
Brown hair, 20, a marine, from Australia.
Didn't know much, about him.
But, ohhhhhhhhh i was obsessed with him. HAHA
At 40, i had a crush on a 20 year old.
But, he had the qualities of a Man.
Hard working, smart, driven, cultured.
Knew what he wanted in this life.
Now in 2025, he is a financial advisor, retired from the Marine.
Thriving!
& Engaged to Mollie Green
Zack Dean
I met Zack Dean, dont even really know his real last name haha.
On Tinder, not having my kids. Not really know who i was or who i wanted to really be.
He matched with me, and then came the late night booty calls.
And the long aimless drives, to LA.
Having meaningless sex, which wasn't me.
Good looking guy, who was homeless.
Found God, found money, found fame.
He ruined my new Marc Jacob's bag haha.
An, experience but again not what i wanted.
When i knew, what i just lost.
Baseball
My dad, Michael use to work Crown Cork & Seal.
As a Mechanical Engineer, graduating from a renowned University in Auckland, NZ.
He would get this box tickets or shit tickets.
He would tell me, hoping i would find some joy or excitement in it.
"Lets go to a Blue Jay, game tonight. "
We would go, have fun... i know i went to them.
But, what we did or what we talked about when we were there is still quite blurry.
I developed a healthy love for baseball, i collected cards... cheeesy ones off the cereal boxes.
That stopped one day, as he moved to another company Comenco. In another, big town close to Toronto.
He was working, long hours, recessions happened , restructuring in the government in Canada happened, in Ontario happened.
Years, and memories turned into 5 years.
I sat in my backyard, under the turn style thing my parents had put into the grass, in the backyard.
And, wondered why.
Katrina Koh
My cousin on my mom's side, Is fearless. She has never, assimilated to social norms. She lives on her own terms.
"Get a boyfriend"
"why?"
I want to travel the world, eat good food, meet my gay or bi friends in the UK.
I may, have kids someday.
I may not.
But, i love and care about Brandon.
We're good, i'm good, we're good.
Leave me the fuck alone already
Geoff Arseneau
I met Geoff in high school.
I had developed a crush on James Igoe.
Geoff, knew James.
James, had a creepy weird brother who followed him around all the time.
Geoff would talk to me on my cordless phone for hours.
"How do i get to be with Geoff, what should i do, where should i go, where he is ? ohhh ok. LMAO.
I loved being in love.... maybe i just wanted to be loved.
Candice D'cuhna
I met Candice, in high school in Loyola.
Beautiful, smart, very cute accent.
We decided to have lunch at the Zellers, restaurant.
We ate, paid or tried to pay.
She had to call her mom, to tell her we were like 5.00 short.
Her mom, came, paid & told her to go get in the car.
They needed to go home. hahahha.
Jade- Anne Wycoco (Domingo)
I had met Jade in 5th grade at St, Marks School.
I had walked downstairs, and she was walking around all aimlessly.
Pig tails, buck teeth, ribbons all over.
" So, i'm having a birthday party in my class today, do you want to come?"
A new friend??? Uh, yea.....
Laura Nelson
Laura West, came into my life. When both of our husbands, were in the field at Fort Stewart. West and Austin, were in the field, somewhere in GA. We really, never knew where.
I get a call, " Hi, this is West's wife Laura. "
"So, im gonna go grab Michael & Peaker from the marching field on base. "
Ok.
Just wanted to let you know, that Austin is on his way home.
Morgan
I walk into the hallway, at the Winchester house.
It's 2024, and this small, red hair girl with glasses.
" Hi, i'm Morgan, i just moved in."
Morgan began to knock on our door.
" Can, i come in?"
" Can we play fortnight?"
" Does Zach, have any weed?"
Super overly nice to her.
Gave her access to our pantry food, weed, rides.
Dec 31 2024.
I had invited her out with Zach & I out to Riverside Downtown.
All she had to do is pay for her ticket.
Zach put his name on the line, with our new landlord Byron for her to move into our new place.
Where we were renting a room in Hemet,
How does she repay us?
Lying to me, when she knows i'm upset.
Tries to break me and Zach up.
Lying about other roommates in the house.
Calling our landlord, Byron and yelling at him on the phone.
All the while, he is an hour away at work.
" Where is my fucking, fork or spatula?"
Darren Chow
Darren and i met on ICQ in 1997.
He would take the bus, from Unionville, Ontario to Toronto or Mississauga ( my hometown)
We would go watch the new "Titanic "movie, that just had come out at the Coliseum 10.
We would meet up at " Square One" and he would bring me roses.
June 1997, he asked me to go to Canada's version of the Prom.
Instead of being direct, and saying " Darren, i am only 15 and you are 17"
I avoided the conversation, and ghosted him.
Lucas Cyprian Daniels
My first day, at Temecula Valley High School. I see this boy, putting up balloons and banners up. First day, at a new school.... i am scared shitless...
Lucas turns around and says " Hey I am Lucas, what's your name?
Thomas Choong
I would go to my Goo Chey's house (Aunt Mary)
Thomas ( my cousin on my dad's side) would be in the basement of his parents house.
Watching "kickboxer, blood sport, rocky) He was always so passionate, about martial arts. & Van Damme.
He is now married to Stephanie and he has a son ( my second cousin) Cayleb.
Shannon Clark
I had been working at Best Buy 1533 (Carmel mountain, San diego)
Being the new person, at the wireless department.
I was literally, running around with my head cut off alllllll day!
I walk up , to the customer service desk.
& there is this girl, with short hair and glasses.
Shannon, is tough, talented, a good listener & loves her mom.
She is pregnant with a little boy, and is soon gonna give birth.
She has fought, soooo hard for a baby after trying for years.
This is the most deserving girl, she hustles.
She's got it all together, and when she doesn't.... she pretends, she does.
I love this girl, and that one small lunch in Vista.
Will cement my thoughts and memories of Shannon forever.
Erica Ziobro (Hansen)
I, first met Erica at Best buy 115 (Best buy, Murrieta,CA)
She was friends, with my then best friend Nikki Nguyen.
She is was beautiful, fierce, smart, weird, funny.
But, lost in the sauce like everyone is in their 20's.
She had her oldest daughter Makayla, super young with her then boyfriend Cory.
We all would go hang out, (Nikki, Erica & I) and Erica would pick off our plates.
Drink our left over sodas.
She is now, married to Patrick Ziobro.
She has 6 kids ( Mak, Bodhi, Sawyer, Tucker, Konrad & Merak)
Her daughter, Mak is living in Kansas.
After, Erica & Pat decided to come back to California, from Kansas.
Back home, to familiarity & now building a ADU on her parents land.
Graeme Brown
I met Graeme, first hearing of him from my sister Nancy.
Having her first, real boyfriend
Graeme, would call my parents house.
" Is, Nancy there"
" Oh, sorry Jan.... can i talk to nance?"
He would come with my sis to Murrieta, CA to visit my parents.
He would sweetly & super cheesy ass GRAEME, send my sis a DVD of " Sweet november, to my parents house in CALIFORNIA.
SERIOUSLY GRAEME, YOU ARE SUCH A CHEEEEEESE SCOTTISH KILT WEARING, ASS SHOWING MAN BAHAHHA.
He would take Theo, Tristen, Neil & me outside to kick the ball around in the cul-de sac.
He's always telling me " Jan, this isn't the end of the world, right?"
" What do you need to do now?"
He's works for the Revenue Board of Canada.
He loves his Toronto Maple Leafs, my sister Nancy & their son ( my nephew)
He is a SOLID guy, i leave whatsapp messages. He always, always answers back in some capacity.
When times got tough for me, when the kids were taken by Social Services in 2020.
" Jan, just think about it........... think logically, what do you need to do now"
I know, i am not super mushy... but i love this man for my sister.
He is everything a man, should be.
Works hard, loves hard, loves his family, loves his parents and siblings.
And, in his own nerdy way.
Loves me lol.
Natasha & Jeff Pickard
This couple walks into my store at bby 1533, just wanting to a new phone for Natasha.
Super, sweet couple...
While, speaking to them & doing my schmeal about how " Samsung " phones are great..... etc
They tell me that Jeff, was also in the military was Austin was.
And, he had gotten hurt badly, while on a deployment.
Natasha: " Hey girl, i applied for the " Caregiver program, through the VA"
Since, you're taking care of Austin.
& Also working, 40 hour weeks.
They can help & aid you with , resources and grants.
I applied.
Anne- Marie Langley
Anne- Marie, i think the first time i ever had any sort of interaction with her. (2006)
It was at her house in Ludowici, GAI made mashed potatoes, for Thanksgiving at the Langley's.
As, Austin and i left with the kids.
I heard, Sgt Langley ( he was Austin's SGT in the Army.) & Anne- Marie fighting.
Now, in 2025....
Chris is living in Kansas still.
Anne- Marie is in Colorado with their youngest Aiden.
Tony, ( Anne-Marie oldest son, from another marriage) is grown, out of college and on his own.
Shanice Cotton
I remember, when Zach and I had recently moved into yet another room in Murrieta.
We couldn't find a cork screw for our favorite wine.
Paul Carroll, our weird, loud & funny landlord.
" Shaniceeeeeeeeee, works at a winery"
" Who the fuck, is Shanice?"
Next morning, we see a cork screw on the counter by the pool table.
Shanice, is always on the go.
Either going to school in Vista, at UC San Marcos.
Hustling, working at a winery & a sushi place
That women, never stops.
But, she carries that old ass Note 12 with a smile.
And before she walks out the door, " Pauly, you want some Taco bell? "
"You guys good? I just bought a new 2-pack of inflatables for our pool.
Eric Chappell
Eric Chappell, was my Assistant manager at best buy 1533.
He was always rushing around, unaware that he was kinda FAT.
But, still that man always spoke a mile a minute.
" you good, you good, you sure, you got your phones, you got your product out.... you goooooooood OK"
And off he went to another department.
Super friendly guy, lived up in Temecula or Murrieta.
But drove to Carmel Mountain for work.
He probably tirelessly drove into work, being like WTF am i doing here again?
But, there goes Eric always willing to help, carry something and just do anything to make your job at Best buy easier.
Caleb James Lopez (C-Dogg, C-Lab) see Caleb go!!! (LOPEZ93)
Zach and I moved to Hemet, December 30th 2025.
Our first meeting, with Caleb was when our new landlord Byron was showing us what we had hoped would be our new home for at least a while.
Caleb, slides into the kitchen.... rinses out his insulated cup.
And off he goes.
As time went on, up until today 4.21.2025 this man.
He is SOLID as they come.
He has been struggling with managing his personal time and balancing a drive for success in this crazy and demanding climate of California. But he finds love and connection his relationship with Arianna and their beautiful daughter Aaliyah.
They have their oh so precocious, too smart for her age & 4 year old going on 21 year old AALIYAH.
After some childhood traumas, he just keeps on going.
He wants to be the man, not one of social norms.
But, the Caleb style DAD.
He works tirelessly going to Murrieta for school at Azusa pacific.
He rushes to internships all over southern California.
He strives to be the best version of himself.
He is always busy as hell, but he makes time for his fiancé.
For his amazing, funny and just too adorable daughter.
He wants better for himself, & for anyone he comes into contact with.
Get yourself, a CALEB.
He'll be the best guy friend, you will ever have <3
Kyle Berch
Kyyyyyyyyyyyyle Berch, ahhahaha.
" I dont ever want kids, kids are too much work. "
Let me just walk over here to Computers dept.
" Fuck this shit man, i want to go home and be nerdy AF"
The nerdy guy, that you may think was hot at one time.
But, is super smart and weird.
Thinks that living in Lakeside is Ghetto, but doesn't know what ghetto is.
Cuz he lives in San diego lmao.
Kyle is Kyle, he is now married to his long time girlfriend Victoria.
He is a Dad now, to Finley.
Angelica Hatch
Angelica and met me, when we both worked at best buy 1533.
I didn't know anything about her, i just knew that she worked in computers.
Super, smart & beautiful.
As years went on, i would see posts where she would be working at a rock photography company.
Next, i saw she had married John.
I remember hearing her talk about her sons oynx, and her other kids.. haha i dont remember his name this min.
I just recently reconnected with Angelica.
She is in WA, married, living the life & working at Rivian.
Melissa Berry
Oh my Mels, i do not know how much or how many times. I have called this girl, in a panic.
"OMG MEL, AUSTIN DID THIS"
" Tristen shit his pants again"
" working & raising a family is so exhausting.
But, this woman is hard as rocks!
She loves her husband J effortless, and endlessly.
She is a amazing person, mom to her boys & now grandma.
Still working at the same hospital in Wakefield, KS.
But, weird part is... we connected on a little website back in my miltary life days called "SOLO OPS"
We have never met, but i know when i call.
She will always call or text me back.
<3 you Mel!